Year in Review: 2018

*feeling less inspirational today than last month*

*likely due to the endless code debugging the past few days x_x*

Been reflecting on 2018 starting around mid-December and I think it's worth documenting here, in addition to a briefer post that I think I'll share on Facebook later. You may thank Bernice whose blog-writing led me to dust off this blog, last updated almost exactly 6 years ago.

On 31 December 2017, I posted this on Facebook:

2017 started off with job hunting struggles, marked by much uncertainty in personal life and the public life. Then the rest was shaped by my decision to do more grad school in yet another different country. 2017 was definitely the year of travel, traversing 3 different continents, going to so many places for the first time, and going back home, to where my heart belongs for the first time in 4 years, then leaving again. I end the year with a bout of sickness (I'm doing fine no worries, just the Christmas bug floating around), but also with the homey company of my family (partial) and newfound family and friends~~ Cheers to 2018, may we all make use of our good health and reasoning to take care of each other and the planet and make good decisions based on good values. Amen :)

If 2017 was the "year of travel", then I dub 2018 "year of personal & professional development". 2018 marks three quarters of my first year of my PhD + 3 months of my second year, and also my life in the UK. First, a thanksgiving list, as I have much to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to live with my wonderful brother, though he's going to move away soon (;_;), I'm so glad we got to spend loads of time together being domestic and on adventures. 

I am thankful for my labmates, without whom PhD life would be absolutely dreadful. 

I am thankful that I got to go home and spend time with my parents around Easter break, and learning about my family roots in China.  

I am thankful for the gift of wonderful neighbours. That I got to enjoy a special Malaysian family/community feeling that I've missed so dearly, with a family who opened their doors and hearts and made me part of their family, for the innocent joy of playing with a young child, for the pure generosity and love they showered on each other and us.

I am thankful for the decision I made, and that the outcome has not been the one I dreaded, and that we are still friends.

There's more, but I'm getting tired so I'll leave it at that.

So, why "year of personal & professional development"?

In 2017, I was struggling with job hunting as I had little experience or evidence for 'soft skills' or 'leadership skills'. I didn't feel confident that I could take on a job leading a team, requiring public engagement, or communications.

The past year, I gained confidence (where did it come from? age?) and experience in organizing people and events, thanks to the opportunities that my PhD training program gave me. It's quite funny, that in October/November 2017, I was already organizing people and making shit happen, and I volunteered to be the 'leader' of a small group of PhD students in my program (5 of us) to organize a panel debate. I wouldn't have imagined it, but organizing people came naturally to me (I really think getting older and giving less f*cks helps). Successfully organizing the panel debate in May, titled "Should the UK Feed Itself?", having 200 people sign up on eventbrite and maybe 120-150 or so turn up(?) - that was my proudest achievement in my first year of my PhD. I told myself, if I don't achieve anything for the rest of the year, at least I have that. And I'm proud.

Another opportunity that my PhD training program gave me that shaped where I'm at now -  I applied/volunteered myself to be part of a group of 8 fellow PhD students in my program tasked with auditing the university's sustainability status to inform the uni's first Sustainability Strategy. I was quite nervous if I'd be up to the task, but somehow or another I found myself playing an active role in the group (fortunately, because I had the most flexible schedule), and trying to keep the ball rolling. I couldn't imagine that we would have been able to write a 50-page audit report, given the time pressure that we had, and I actually wrote and edited a big chunk of the report given that I had a good overview of what was going on in each topic. I was able to do this because we were on a team - having others who were more experienced to initiate things (interviews, parts of the writing), I could pick up on it and work on it. Otherwise, it would have been really difficult for me to come up with things from scratch. This is something that I'll need to work on (overcoming fear of writing or organizing something from scratch), but I hope that it'll become easier with experience and time.

But anyway, I'm proud to say that we produced a 50-page report that provided the basis for the University's Sustainability Strategy which was launched in October (which you can read here). Unfortunately the uni is reluctant to publish our report because it apparently has 'business sensitive information' that would cause a hassle for the uni. :X But through this work, I was able to learn about the workings of a university administration and be involved with meetings with higher-ups and important people at the university (e.g. senior managers of professional services).

Around the same time that I volunteered to be on the audit team, I also applied to be secretary of the Sustainability Committee at the Students Union. Regretting that I didn't join any conservation or sustainability themed societies in my first year (because there were too many and I couldn't pick, also because I was too busy), the Committee presented itself as a good opportunity to get involved and make a practical difference where I am based. Also I probably wasn't going to do fieldwork in my second year, and not yet too busy trying to finish my thesis, so second year seemed like the best timing. Indeed it's one of the best things I've said 'yes' to in 2018. It has been a blessing to be able to work with these amazingly passionate and earnest people dedicated to sustainability and making the world better. They (and other peers) inspired and continue to inspire me in a very real way (I'm taking sustainable diets more seriously now and see activism as a possible avenue for change). I joked (with myself) that I am making up for my undergrad life, where I spent most of my time studying and studying (which I don't regret), and I wasn't really active in any conservation or sustainability based clubs, which I wanted to but didn't have the time/confidence for.

I also gained confidence in singing in public, thanks to being in Gospel Choir. Here's a video of us from our most recent concert, singing one of my favourites (i have a solo part ^^, which i unfortunately screwed up at an important point aghghghghgh):

And this one:

I definitely could not have been singing this confidently without the 1++ years experience of singing with Gospel Choir (being one of the sopranos that knew all the songs, I became someone that people turned to, and I like that because I'm an attention whore). Or without all the talented people in choir that I aspire to be like and learned from.

In the last month, I felt just so very full of happiness and meaning (that effusive thanksgiving FB post on 15 December was a product of that overflowing joy, it was the day after our choir concert and a lovely house party and a week of lovingness). That I was useful, that I was needed by people, and appreciated by them - not just by one group but pretty much all the social groups I'm part of - that filled me up and made me feel very good about myself. I'm finally becoming the person I've been aspiring to be, becoming someone that I'm proud of. At the same time, I am wary that I am addicted to this self-gratification/overly reliant on other's opinions/praise/approval (I've long known that I'm scared of being hated or left out or thought dumb). So, perhaps in 2019, I will be learning how to be satisfied with myself and not to rely on external sources of approval, but to look within and to God for this sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Another aspect of 'finding my place in life' in 2018 is that I discovered Ashtanga Yoga, which is my favourite form of exercise :) I started going to Ashtanga classes since February and I want to keep doing it and other dynamic forms of yoga (and I've been seeing how I've gradually improved over the months). I really like this yoga teacher because she challenges us but also shows us and explains exactly how to do poses. Unfortunately, these classes only happen during term time so I need to find a regular class and commit to it. Also, I still need to work on my fitness (I need to reduce my body fat (36% in Sept 2017) and build my strength - for real - and I can't deny that I want to get slim so I look nicer in photos, I don't hate my body but I think it'll be nice to have a good figure). So my goal is to commit myself to this goal ^^;; I don't feel very confident about my commitment but please keep my accountable. And for now, I will commit to fasting once a week (intermittent fasting... begin with 16-18 hours and try to increase to 24 hours). Gotta do something about my sweet tooth as well :/ Well, one thing at a time?

So I guess that's all I wanted to say (about myself)? I guess I'll save some stuff for a next post!

Apologies for the bad writing, I don't have time to edit it properly!

tldr; If 2017 was the "year of travel", then I dub 2018 "year of personal & professional development". Thank you to all the people who have inspired me and motivated me to become who I am now xoxo~

Oh oh oh and I published my first-ever first-author journal paper this year! My cempedak baby <3 3="" nbsp="" p="">Read the paper here and the blog I wrote for it here.

Year in Review: 2012

Realized that we all stopped writing blogs. Too busy, and that FB has taken the place of updating people on our lives.

I was reading an old classmate's blog last night - it was very interesting to know someone through their revelation of  themselves and have a look into their lives. I also read some of my own previous blog entries to see if I have changed. Doesn't seem like my writing style has changed that much - still as haphazard as ever. I still struggle with procrastination and many of the same issues I had written about. Most interesting though was to read what I had forgotten what I had written. Some New Year Resolutions for example, haha.

So, inspiredto have a proper "farewell" or "suspension" or "freezing" or "temporarily on hiatus" post for the top of this blog. For that, today is the last day of 2012, perfect excuse for a reflective discourse on one's life.

Right now I'm in UK visiting my brother. Been here for about 2 weeks now. :) 

Here we go. A review of my year, picking out one most significant thing per month:

1. January 2012 

(For this FB timeline is very helpful indeed)

The start of winter quarter. I had just returned from winter break in Malaysia, and I didn't want to return to NU, because that's where many responsibilities were awaiting me. I was very reluctant to face them. Procrastination and stress was in full force.

The most significant thing I would say was Chinese New Year :)

As president of Cilipadi I was of course stressing out over how are we gonna get ourselves to Penang (a Malaysian restaurant), getting geram by people who fang4 fei1 ji1 at the last minute, not least because I forgone going to Stuart (my research advisor)'s house for dinner in order to have the most people be able to attend CNY dinner. Thanks a lot to the Cili members who were a wonderful help, to Suet and Chyuan who drove us. Having a hangout at Hotel Noyes after dinner was really nice too, and yes, that was when we found out Jeffrey was incredible at the guitar.

Significant person: Jeffrey! He was an exchange student - Indonesian, but studying in Singapore (NUS) for a while. He was to become a very important friend for the next few months. He was the first person at NU that shared so many common interests and that I could casually text and invite out to events, go to church, lepaking/talking, music, performing together (found a niche/something that no other performance groups could do - Malay/Indonesian songs :D ).  

2. February 2012

I want to say that February was characterized by lots of late nights and full days grappling with R (a stats software), dozing off at CBG (Chicago Botanic Garden, where i do my research), doing Global History readings, feeling like I was always busy that eating and showering seemed like a waste of time, running here and there, making phone calls to bedbug extermination companies, writing emails furiously, and dealing (not very well) with some housemate drama issues.  

What's really encouraging was that I got my first research grant ever! Thanks a lot to Stuart :) I also thank pami for being the greatest support and encouragement during this rather tough time. 

Significant person: Jeannie (Malaysian senior) moved into our apartment, and she brought a lot of spark and thought-provoking conversations when I often dreaded going back to my apartment. Jeannie's very interesting in her rather unique outtake on life - disinterest in socializing/going out while being super talkative and having strong opinions, super dedication to studying.. oh yes i love her cooking makes me feel like home :)

3. March 2012

Spring Break was the most amazing feeling I had - release from the stress of the hectic quarter and getting a break away from my housemate who I was having trouble dealing with. First half of the week I was in Seattle, had a wonderful time with Yih En :) 2nd half of the week I went to Cincinatti with Karen and Josh (MS students in my lab group) for my first conference - Midwest Ecology & Evolution (MEEC) and my first poster presentation! It was a really fun time.

SEA Night and Women's Chorus Concert (just part of another choir's concert) at Alice Millar Chapel - I really do love performing. Thanks to Jeffrey, I got to perform three times - SEA Night, Treblemakers Open Mic Night, and AISEC Global Village. :)

Significant person: Josh. a 2nd year MS student in my lab group. I'm very thankful for Josh - though he/other members of my lab group . I get rides from him to CBG - so we'd have very interesting conversations (often about food, politics, and whatnot) in the car :D He is also super helpful and really kind, despite being cynical/opinionated on the outside.

4. April 2012
Being awarded a research scholarship and the summer undergraduate research grant - it was incredible - i was pretty terrified.

Significant person: April. My best study buddy. We started studdying together in Bio in our sophomore year, found that we studied together really well, so we continued studying together, and suffered through the same classes. She's usually on the receiving end on my rants on my hectic schedule. Sadly graduated early T.T

5. May 2012
This was such an eventful and generally happy month, I think, not least because the weather was good :) taking classes that I was interested in (ie Plant Biology <3 chris="chris" p="p" russin="russin" with="with">Performing at the Milennium Park (with the Women's Chorus, singing the part of Children's Chorus with a big choir and the orchestra) - that was just really really amazing.
 
Significant person: Will Weber and MEIV. I thank Will and Haley and MEIV people who have been kind to me and been my support this past year and my time at NU. Although I didn't go much to Small Group and never to Large Group. They never stopped reaching out to me. I'm glad for that :)

Because I couldn't find a suitable space, I want to give a shoutout to Sheil - Sheil Catholic Center. I became more involved at Sheil and got to know a number of ppl at sheil better, primarily through being a sacristan, and then unexpectedly, through bible study with Fr. John. Tom (a sophomore but veteran sacristan) was the first student at Sheil that I really connected with (Sheil Lent Buddy!). Fr. John is a fascinating person. Tim Higgins (campus minister) has always been there for me - sorry i always subject him to rants about my busy life; Beth (campus minister) - recently another confidante. Mary Deeley, Angela, Wioletta.....I'm never gonna finish but Sheil has been my second home (apart from Tech)....

6. June 2012
Significant person: My housemate Rung. Finally told my housemate Rung how I felt the past few months about our relationship. She took it really well which surprised me. Although the selling furniture/moving out was quite a messy process and I still didn't do a good job of speaking out. The last week was certainly crazy. Rung, this wonderful person who, with all her faults, is a irreplaceable friend and part of my life at NU,   . She has taught me a lot - hardwork, discipline, joy in life, enthusiasm, passion, Thai food (yes), introduced me to many people at Northwestern, BodyPump... She will undoubtedly go on to inspire people and make waves in other people's lives wherever she goes. :)

Time of farewells. Very glad that I spent my last few days in Evanston with people that I wanted to spend it with. All the important people. Took the pictures I wanted to take. Said (most) of the things I wanted to say, in person or in letter.

7. July 2012 and 8. Aug 2012
The entirety of 2 months in Minnesota.
Field research was my life. It was really great to live and work and play with Team Echinacea :)

Significant person: Katherine. Another MS student in my lab group. We were roommates last summer. This summer we are the oldest/experienced persons in Team Echinacea. She is someone I confide to about many things...and the same for me.

9. Sept 2012
Took the GRE.
Eco-Summit. Columbus.
Sheil Catholic Scholars.
I do feel like a senior now and act like one ;) esp with Sue Ann, our precious transfer student.

Significant person: Eden. Thank you for the companionship, hospitality, and your brothers & sisters for the spiritual fellowship :).

10. Oct 2012
PBC (Plant Biology and Conservation). Anime Club.
I'm a happy person because I'm taking classes in topics that I'm interested in :D
And I guess I've been going to anime club and the after-parties more frequently. Partly coz now I don't have to worry about somebody waiting for me at the apartment/or the fear of being judged for staying out late hours not for the purpose of studying. At the same time I felt that this quarter i was deprived of deeper conversations and interactions with people, since almost all my closest friends had all graduated in June. Also found myself making conscious decisions about who and which group i wanted to spend time with, who I wanted to get to know better.

Significant person: Monica. I had known her since first quarter of freshman year (freshman seminar ftw), and we'vve somewhat kept in contact (bio major classes in soph year, women's chorus in junior year, anime club senior year) over the years. We started having weekly study dates, and hung out a few times to do fun stuff/or nothing. I also confided in her how I felt that i was only interacting with ppl on the surface....and that I 'm glad to have somewhat deeper conversations with her (?)

11. Nov 2012
Sheil Fall Retreat.
Thanksgiving.
Cilipadi potluck.
Started workign at SPAC Membership Office.

Significant person: Theresa. MS student in Zerega lab group (oh yeah I decided to work with another prof for my MS thesis project - Nyree - and work on cempedak :D I still have the senior thesis to work on with Stuart though). and all the graduate students in my cohort at PBC. I really like my classmates in my cohort. Fun, friendly people. We suffered together with the heavy coursework. Theresa gave me a number of rides and is very kind and unselfish. Also thanks a lot to Nyree and all the trouble with my BS/MS applications >_<

12. Dec 2012
Leeds and England. Now that it's my last few days before i leave...... I'm starting to feel that the surreality.... It has been a wonderful vacation.

Significant person: Is kinda obvious. Haha. There's another less obvious choice, that's for me to know, and for you to find out. 

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Junior year and the start of senior year has been simultaneously my worst and best year at Northwestern. I decided to become more involved and active in activities, because I regretted not doing alot of things in my sophomore year. I think it's because I invested my energy and heart into things.....that I'm reaping the fruit of my labor....never could've done it without the help of many wonderful people along the way. When previously I couldn't say that I love Northwestern, now I can say I love Northwestern. I learnt many things about myself. Became close to people I didn't expect to become close to. Did and experienced many things that I never thought I would.
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2013... I see this number alot because this is my graduating class year. I'll be graduating in June - rather hard to believe it's so soon. What is my resolution? I want to say the biggest issue I've been struggling like crazy with these past few months has been procrastination.

I resolve to do the things I have to do and have set out to do without irrational fear. I will not be lazy.

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Lastly, again i apologize for poor writing coz i'm in a hurry and need to get going on those things I've procrastinated on since break started. :P

Good luck to you. May 2013 bring you good health and keep you safe. God bless.

thoughts on bersih

i am moved by the action that is going on in malaysia. really, all walks of life. in the face of police clampdown. it's quite amazing that people are moving.

watched a few videos of the rally and news and read several articles.

just hope that the rallying people are rallying for what they say they are fighting for - clean and fair elections - and not just on impulse.

i don't exactly want pkr in power. i'm neither anti-government nor pro-opposition. just want all politicians to be clean and less greedy. i'll support the leaders who do a good job. Yes, I am 21 and eligible to vote!

share some links:

i smiled and clapped for this strong uncle :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXKqTFTUlmM&feature=player_embedded#at=752

a good neutral view, and it's published in Star. however, what is an alternative way to express the rakyat's dissatisfaction I'm not sure.
http://thestar.com.my/columnists/story.asp?col=onthebeat&file=/2011/7/10/columnists/onthebeat/9074666&sec=On%20The%20Beat

just thought it's cool that Agung suggested Bersih do the rally at Stadium Merdeka.

pray for Malaysia. i have extravagant expectations for a better Malaysia.

Feeling "Pooped"

it's an expression for feeling exhausted or tired out.

Or in Mr. Chua's words, "want to vomit blood".

Haha not so serious la!

Just want to vent my frustration over not being able to solve webdesign problems.

Anyway, please visit:
The Flog - endearing term for Echinacea Field Log

Ah my research team members = my current housemates. So I'll use the terms interchangeably.

This morning, worked on putting the Facebook like button and searchbox on the flog. Very proud of myself when I got those on and looking good, through trial and error and very limited knowledge of html/whatever was involved. However, as usual, pride comes before a fall. I discovered that the Categories links were LEADING ME TO ERROR PAGES! No idea how it happened, but the links are directed to xml files (which will not look nice without the help of css), instead of html files.

And then, things just went downhill from there.

I started removing the changes I made to the html source code for the main page, because my first thought was that what I put in messed up those links. However, nothing changed.

Then I asked Josh, a research team member/housemate for help. He said he doesnt really know much about xml either. Well he backed up the templates and then restored default templates, but the links still didn't work. He cloned the main index template and renamed it Category RSS, but it didn't work.

After Josh did that I discovered that I could create a new index page and mess around with it as much as I wanted without affecting the real page, so hapyp for a while.

But then I didn't know how to restore the templates, and I couldn't find the original style template for the blog, and I discovered that the monthly archive pages had lost their formatting! To save the flog, I decided to use a new style. and spent a whole lot of time figuring out how to make the main page look acceptable, and putting on the FB like button and searchbox on it. But I couldn't figure out how to return formatting to the monthly archives - that got me really frustrated.

I have been working on this the whole afternoon until now, with food and cooking breaks in between. Seriously. I just feel that I'm responsible for this mess.

Although I don't understand what I changed could've messed up the linking, because all I messed with was adding the and googleanalytics guest tracking code, code for the FB like button and widget code/code for searchh box  and how to make it appear under a nice new heading. Didn't touch the top part of the code. One possibility is that I accidentally deleted something while I was copying and pasting and moving code around. (but once returned to default settings shouldn't be a problem).

 Another possibility for the mess-up is the creation of an RSS feed for Category Fun Stuff yesterday (done by  Lee, my other team member working on the flog, also limited knowledge of web design).

But that line of code is no longer in the script, yet the categories links still not working.

Really not sure. Josh suggested posting on a support forum. I'll probably do that now.

A big thank you to John for his helpful resources and explanations. T_T It is super hard to help from remote location and when you can't see or work with the situation directly. It's really nice of you to help. >.<

Anyone else who would like to offer their services concerning webdesign....you are most greatly welcomed.

Well, hopefully things will turn out. I think the precious data is all safe, just the formatting is messed up. I'm not as stressed as when I had to write papers. Thinking of it more as a challenge. I'm just worried that professor will no longer trust me or other students with admin status. That is not good not good not good. Will pray.

More challenging than expected...

Background: My research team = Team Echinacea. Echinacea angustifolia is the scientific name of the purple prairie coneflower, the main species we're studying.

That's all the background I'm gonna give? Yeah for now. I'm feeling sleepy :P

Trying to edit the flog (short for Echinacea field log)  is pretty challenging coz I have near zero experience with html (i have always used an html editor, paiseh paiseh). Tasks include putting in Google search box, make catgeories list into drop down/cascade menu, make the right hand column/bar a permanent feature which will stay on even when you visit archives, adding Google Analytics (or a tool/widget that tracks traffic to and from the blog), linking entries of a certain category only to FB etc. I managed to get a google search box on there after a few trial and errors but dunno how to make it look nice (with proper headings) >.< Plus I have to make sure I don't mess up the page >.<

Any suggestions?

Also now pondering what to cook tomorrow >.< My cooking partner made lentil potato garlic chard curry already, so should make something to go with it that won't take more than 1.5 hours to cook. The only things I can think of is Chapati....and Biryani..sigh....difficult dishes! wish my cooking partner told me earlier she was gonna cook in advance..... i guess she assumed i'd know coz she is going to do groceries tomorrow... : / Hope chapati turns out well and i will keep the kitchen clean.

Rainy Day...time for Reflection

Today was kind of like a day off from work (work refers to my research internship in Minnesota now), because it was raining and the ground is muddy so we couldn't do seedling searches (search for seedlings of tagged plants). Since I have more free time than usual, I think I should do my aforementioned

Spring Quarter Reflection

Jumping into Spring Quarter from a really physically active and somewhat emotionally tense Spring Break. I did daily bible reading/reflection everyday (or made it up with 2 readings if i missed one the day before) throughout Lent Season and until now. I also started writing notes to God, the majority of them being thank-you notes and petitions (not sure when I started). A few important events in Spring Quarter I think:

- EngageNU/MEIV (Multi-ethnic Intervarsity Christian Fellowship) and other IVCFs joint Large Group. [Christiany content] I went 2.1 times this quarter I think. At least 2.1 times. The first time (it might've been  Winter Quarter or just 1st week of Spring Quarter) was after having dinner with Esther at Hinman dining hall. I sat beside Esther. During LG, Andy Billhorn, one of the IV  asked for people who want to see God's transforming power in their lives (for those who are not Christians and for those who are already Christians to commit(? not sure liao) to stand up. My first thought was that it was one of those Protestant things that I always felt uncomfortable with, because I do take these things seriously, and I don't want to commit to something that I'm not fully commited to. So I remained sitting, thinking and deliberating, while most others stood up, including Esther. After much deliberation I decided that I do want to open myself to this power, and stood up. Okay, I know a lot of it is peer pressure, but I did make that conscious personal decision, even if it was on impulse, and I don't regret it. Even if nothing changed after that, I wouldn't think that I was an idiot who only follows the crowd (but I realize that I am easily convincable/flexible). In fact I didn't really expect anything to change. But guess what? There was change. I could feel God's transforming power in my life. It was not groundbreaking or a sudden epiphany, but a more subtle, permeating power...that I'm not sure what it is or how to describe...but it was gentle unforced change in worldview and attitudes... I'm not sure since when, but I no longer feel like "I Have To do this and that if not it'll show that I'm useless/not up to standard" - that sort of stress/pressure no longer permeates my life like it used to. Now it's more like (though not exactly and not all the time) "I want to do this or that, because I know it's the right thing to do; because I know it's something that I would appreciate others doing for me; because I can control what I choose to do about it". I actually want to keep reading the bible. I don't have to drag myself to it as I used to. The transforming power is not only that though, I think. It's not only about my faith, but it also involves my whole life.

Another LG. I mentioned it in a previous post- May 1) This time it involved a commitment to carry on the mission to make dead things come back to life. Did I talk about it already? This time I sat beside Christina du Breuil, and I had a conversation and prayed with her after LG...it was amazing to learn about how God speaks to her through images and how God is working in her life. I'm trying to be less afraid/embarassed/ and more public with what I believe...it is not easy and I don't know how to respond to people who are kind of anti-religion, like my Minnesotan housemates right now. I totally understand their sentiments about how religions can mess up societies and human behavior. But religion can sometimes bring out the best in people......as I have experienced... though I'm struggling with the "sometimes". If it's not "always", it would seem that one can do without religion.

April. Not the month, but my latest study buddy's name! She's Monica's roommate, Korean American. We are in two same classes, Bio 210 (3rd quarter introductory bio - cell bio and physiology) and Bio 347 (Conservation Bio with Prof Joe Walsh) I've been studying a lot with her in spring quarter. I first met her in fall, when had study party with Monica and other CCI gang (CCI is a dorm) - Ting, Jessina, girl whom I'm so sorry I can't recall her name right now. April is the first American I met who - likes to compete being humble.....you know la the usual "i haven't studied this yet" "me neither i also haven't studied that"....yup it's really irritating in Malaysia, but since i haven't had to put up with that for so long it's okay in small doses.  Of course she's studious (but not as extreme as Suk Sien or Ee Jane I hope), does things on time, really good at catching details (a lot of her questions are on things that I overlooked/take for granted), always smiling, and dresses really well (like elegant flowy blouses that models would wear). She's one of the few ppl I don't feel hesitant to ask to study together (i know my grammar is horrible but i don't have time so whatever). I enjoy studying with her. It's a good balance because we ask and answer each other's questions, so it's not one-sided one person teaches the other all the time. I hope we will become even better friends :)

"Relationship"
Ah it's almost 10pm so I can't do an individual paragraph for each individual that's been important now. Anyways, spring quarter has been great in terms of relationships. Mainly because I don't have to take orgo so I have more time to be sociable :P I also made more use of my phone to call people - like Esther, Fiona, Michelle Lau, Norman. Also texted more ppl (i can't believe i went over txt msg limit by 135(?) in May!). I think I strengthened a number of friendships this quarter. I initiated study dates a number of times. Spoke to people I met in library. Esther - she's so busy that I don't want to force a personal meetup every week, so instead i call her once a week on the phone, in addition to Allison Small Group (that's the SG Esther leads and I'm in). Allison Small Group- i don't feel as "belonging in" to SG as last year's, but I got to know a few new ppl better and some that I want to get to know better and hopefully next year get a chance to get to know better. Christina du Breuil - I had one lunch date, some study dates with her that I'm really glad I initiated. She's really fun to be with, and I want to continue getting to know her better. And glad that she'll be graduating in 2013! Michelle Lau - she came over to Evanston to visit (texted me the night before she came over lol). She is really dear to me and I love being with her. Brought her around campus, to Argyle, cooked kangkung belacan, brought her to end of LG to meet some of my other dear ppl, had late dinner at Mt Everest, and just talked.....Those two days were really fun and I'm so thankful that I didn't have tests/assignments due at that time. Tim Higgins, campus minister at Sheil - really grateful for him.....he's the person who would ask how I was doing and listened to my rants when I had a lot on my plate. Rung, my housemate. She's been crazily busy until middle of May because she's Tau Beta Pi (ENgineering Honors Society) treasurer, Thai Club co-president, MatSci Club president, and was also applying to Summer Undergrad Research Grant (and got it!).......and hence been sick/grumpy, not in the best of moods/complaining a lot (though she always apologizes for ranting). Thank God for the grace that I can accept all this and be as cheerful and helpful as I can, that she can accept me when it's my turn to get stressed out, and that I no longer feel the urge to raise my voice as I had felt in the fall. Because of Rung I got to know a lot of ppl better and more socially active/went to more social activities. I think that it's good though that we are living separately for the summer, and take a break from each other for a while, so that we won't be at each other's throats next year :P Also I became closer to NUSAF :) Alvin, XinKai, Scott, Kangyi, Heng Jie... Also random ppl I meet a lot like Christina Ha. Also discovered that I know a lot of ppl who just graduated that I'm gonna miss..........

"Leadership"
I think i became better at "coordinating" group work this quarter. GSW project group, BIO347 Conservation Bio group project initiating part, MEIV SG reunion organizing, Esther's birthday, Cilipadi events. The week before reading week and Reading Week (study leave before finals) and the few days after Finals were crazy. Had something on every single day! Midwest Games Fri-Mon morning, Tuesday was Esther's birthday eve and last SG hangout, Wednesday was cooking Malaysian meal for Christina du B and Will Weber coz they bought my service during MEIV service auction, Thursday was going to Treblemakers concert, MEIV Spring Celebration, and buying groceries for Cilipadi Senior Makan, Friday was Cilipadi Senior Makan which went from 5pm to almost 11pm exceeding my expected end time at 7pm, Saturday was Sheil Fest and NUSAF BBQ (should've also gone to MEIV Senior Dinner which was at the same time as the two.no actually earlier one hour but i didn't realize it >.<), Sunday was Allison SG photoshoot, Monday to Thursday was mostly studying I think, Thursday after Bio exam ended at 11am - a slew of business and meeting up with ppl...and packing and clearing my room >.<......Thursday evening visited Fiona at Kemper to get rice cooker and etc, Friday evening Cilipadi end of quarter dinner, helping Fiona and Christina Lee pindah barang, Saturday morning was Cedar send-off (sending off MEIV folks who are going to annual Cedar Camp, very happy to see everybody who was gonna graduate...like Helen Han, Kathryn Schodel, Jireh,... then brunch at Le Peep's with Cilipadi (might have been last time meeting Hafiz >.<), then packing packing packing, then dinner at Bravo! with Daisy (Daisy's bday), Jireh, Alvin, Tee Jin, Tong Wei (i'm so glad i emailed Daisy and Jireh saying that i want to have dinner with them). Then rush back to apt. Alvin and Tee Jin helped me to carry (Alvin was carrying/pulling the bag actually i dun get why he likes to help ppl carry barang so much need to ask him sometime) my big heavy luggage bag and walked me to Metra station only to find out that the next train was at 11pm, so rushed to CTA station (luckily nearby) so I could get to Chicago Union Station to catch my 10.30pm Megabus to Minnesota on time. Phew......so glad that I was on time though i got lost trying to find the bus stop (no signs one! aaa)..... and then it was very cold on the bus, and the ppl sitting in front of me were terribly inconsiderate and was watching some show with crashing and violent noises and i asked them quite politely to lower the volume TWICE but they still had to continue watching why can't they use earphones argh anyway it was too cold and I got toothache due to wisdom tooth so I couldn't sleep comfortably anyway. but i sat next to a nice lady so smile :) And reached Minnesota safely, got to bus stop and met team member Amber safely, and they treated me and Lee (another team member) so nicely, and then Stuart (professor)'s mum drove us to Kensington, reached Town Hall (where i'm staying now), groceries, dinner, sleep, next day Monday start internship...... so it was constantly on the move.............. geh...

21st Birthday
Yeah my 21st birthday landed on top of two papers and BIO midterm. Rung was sick and had to deal with Thai Night on May 15th but she still made an effort - toast with wine-flavored drink at midnight while i was writing my environmental autobiography >.< and made breakfast (sargent style omelette! and fruit/yoghurt salad and cheese cake that she craftily hid from me) for me....:) And then cilipadi's cake during our bonfire that weekend. 
I hope that before my college career is over I'll get a midnight surprise type with a larger crowd (hope i get to know enough ppl for that to become possible)...coz i rather like that you know, *hint winks* LOL. But I appreciate anything. I'm happy :) Oh yeah Esther owes me my belated birthday celebration still...I am so looking forward to that!

Phew it's almost 11pm so I gotta write off here. I'll post more on Team Echinacea and maybe post my project proposal when I finish that. So good night folks!

dropping a line or two

just finished talking on the phone with parents and then Esther. Real happy. =)

i'll definitely be able to come up with a proposal for my independent research!

here, i'll make some notes about it. sorry that's it's gonna to be very confusing and you may feel intimidated by big sciencey words but don't worry coz i only just learnt these big sciencey words this past week and i feel very overwhelmed even now. Uh I'm gonna do the context next time and explain everything properly so pls don't think that i'm very advanced or pro in research coz I ACTUALLY DUNNO ANYTHING and i'm so fuzzy on so many things. maybe by the end of summer i'll be more knowledgeable but now i need to learn and learn and straighten myself out of the tangle of confusion. Yeah so this is what this post is. Not for you readers but for myself. -.-"

topics i'm interested in.

Mate incompatibility and flowering asynchrony in small Echinacea remnants. 

Question: Is Echinacea mate incompatibility correlated with flowering asynchrony in remnant populations? I also want assess their genetic diversity, I guess compare genetic variation between incompatible plants and asynchronically flowering plants?? Not sure exactly how the genetic variation ties in.

Habitat Fragmentation and Distribution of Genetic Diversity in Quantitative Traits of ____(insert species)

(excerpt copied from REU blurb):

How habitat fragmentation is influencing the amount and distribution of genetic diversity in quantitative traits such as seed dispersal ability, seedling recruitment, plant growth, and fitness. 

interested in investigating seed traits and seedling growth traits. 

Potential project activities include collecting seeds from prairie remnants, measuring plants in prairie remnants and experimental plots, analyzing digital images of seeds and seed behavior, planting seeds, and mapping plants. An REU project could involve using GPS and GIS technology.

Q. How habitat fragmentation is influencing the amount and distribution of genetic diversity in seed traits and seedling growth traits of Stipa spartea or Dicanthelium.

Methods:

-Collect seeds from prairie remnants and C1?

-Measure plants in prairie remnants and C1? - their fitness?

-Germinate seeds (when- in fall?)

-Analyze digital images of seeds and seed behavior?

-Measure fitness of seedlings?

-Measure genetic diversity of seedligns?

Well what I'm confused about is which plants am I gonna assess the genes? The plant that produces the seeds? The seeds? The seedlings? I'll only be able to do the genetic analysis in Fall quarter, so what will I be doing during the summer? Also Josh (NU MS student in Plant Biology & Conservation) is already investigating seeds and seedlings of Stipa spartea (it's a type of grass), so why does it still need researching? Well I mean not much is known about Stipa basic biology, but I'm really fuzzy over what is not being done by Josh. And since I'd prefer working with flowers than a grass and I don't feel like working with Josh (because I feel like he prefers to talk than listen & I'm personally offended and intimidated), I think I'm not going with Stipa (though it is an important plant). 

So how about Dicanthelium? Its common name is woolly grass. But Dicanthelium is genus name (i think) so i dunno which species is professor talking about?! eek. i am attracted to appearance of dicanthelium more than stipa though, so I think i'd be happy working with them for a longer period of time. (yeah i'm kind of bored of Echinacea ady :P) 

Foreign pollen interfering with pollination in Echinacea. Allegra, an REU student last year, found some very interesting results and it would be great to build on her work. We want to know if foreign pollen interferes with reproduction. We also wonder if transgeneric polymorphisms of S-alleles account for the shriveling. Read the abstract for a poster to be presented at the Ecological Society of America meeting this August. Also, here's a good review paper on this topic.

Determining Breeding systems of prairie plants. 

Determine which prairie plants are self-compatible or self-incompatible. 

Lee (another teammate) is gonna do this.

(copied from REU site)

Determine flowering phenology of mid-summer plants. 

It would be a great project to determine the flowering phenology of plants in remnants. It would be valuable to find out if peak flowering dates differ from one remnant to the next. Also, we would like to know how much flowering schedules overlap--particularly among those species where pollen interferes with Echinacea reproduction.

Determining Breeding system of Helianthus or Coreopsis Palmata (both composite flowers)

- Key groups: legumes, composites, grasses)

I'm confused over what Breeding system entails.

- coz Lee is already doing self compatibility check

- from my notes from prof's lecture, I think it would involve: 

collecting seed from various remnants, germinate them, and analyze fitness.

- I can collect Echinacea seedheads from Amber's phenology experiment

- I can also germinate Stipa.

I think that's where I'm confused.......

What does phenology entail?

What does breeding system entail?

How to test isolation and reproduction?

AGH NO I"M BREAKING THE CURFEW ITS 17 mins PAST 11pm ady i shall move from living room to somewhere else. Wish me luck!