erm...sorry for another emo post

my superego is fed up with her job and flung her paper fan on the table and ran away on vacation without her cell phone.

hence, id and ego have been running rampant all over the place.

i think. since second quarter physics.

sad to say, i was happier with david taylor (first quarter physics) class. i found it more interesting and more relaxing (more spoon-feedy?).

andrew rivers is nice, but his style is more exam-oriented and making points (as compared to taylor's story-telling style). and there's conceptual questions on exams! T_T i hate those.

i have a final coming up on tuesday, and still, i am here, just finished my nodame 10 ep marathon. before that i was on gakuen alice manga marathon since erm, thursday? (finally was forced to stop at the last chapter uploaded on mangafox). i had not intended to go that far (intended to stop at the end of a major arc but i succumbed). i even finished random walk manga (i thought it was not my type of manga -.-). now i'm even desiring to go on further with nodame even though its 12.09am and i have a quiz at 9am tomorrow. not to mention that i plan to attend office hours at 8.15am, which means i prolly need to wake up at 7.35am.

even though i know that enjoyment of nodame wouldn't be as nice as if i spread it out a little more.

and yes, i have not prepared for the quiz. why am i saying yes? i should say no.

"Hey, if superego is not around what's up with all this blaming and accusing?"

Superego is travelling back through space. Ego has finally decided to call for superego.

Superego and Ego Maria, please calm Id down and lock her up somewhere in a cage until I've kicked ass on my Physics 2 Final ok? I beg you.

I will be a good girl and study. The reason why everyone says i'll do fine and i'll do great is because they believe that i work hard as i've been doing up until now.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh. I really have been going berserk/out of control in these past few weeks. I finished Gakuen Alice's 17 volumes (Fri-today), Random Walk 3 volumes (yesterday), a few eps of School Rumble 2(fri) and 10 eps of Nodame (today). Last weekend I managed to finish Shinshi Doumei Cross manga in 1 saturday night (slept at X.XXam) and i had a midterm on Sunday. Luckily i did well (it is very weird).

I am really stupid. I should be able to manage my impulsive behavior better. That is my weakness I need to deal with. It could be my strong point (intense bursts in short time), but not that practical in the long run.

I realized recently why i'm so poor at delaying gratification. That's because i reward myself for poor behavior (for example, letting myself going berserk on anime and manga marathons before doing homework or doing dishes or even showering), whereas I 'reward' myself with more homework when I get into the mood of studying (because i always feel that once i'm on a roll i should do as much as I can. Thanks to this 'positive' reinforcement, I've become such a lazy and impulsive and immature girl.

How long will things go well like this? How long will God (?), if it is him doing all this, spoiling me?

When will I grow up?

I know that it's probably just this summer. I won't behave so haphazardly once the school year starts. One thing i am worried about is living in a single room -- i've grown to depend on social facilitation, ie having others around to 'watch' me so I'll behave better and focus more on studying. Judging from my behavior when my roommate (the NU one) is away from the room and my behavior in my single room now.......it seems that i really lack backbone and concentration when I'm "safe" in my room. Even when I open the door.

Distractions distractions. I guess my heart is just not in Physics. But I will make it so. For the time being. I will win you over again, my first wife (for the summer season) Physics. I'm sorry I neglected you unfairly. Please treat me better and make me love you.

***
Disclaimer: I am not insane. I am only rather "creative" and "imaginative" =_,= just kidding. This is the regular stuff that goes on in my cotton-stuffed-brain.

Don't panic after reading all that. I just like to let out my frustrations, and then I can move on without lingering regrets tying me down. Trust me. I know I will do my best. I want to.

A few tips for the newbie cooks from the idiot cook

1. Green Vegetables wilt, even in the fridge. Their leaves begin to turn black/brown after about 1.3 weeks, and by the end of 2 weeks they are almost dead.
-examples of veggies that wilt in 1-2 weeks (ie my poor veggies): Cucumbers, Baby bok choy, Spinach, Lettuce, Dou4 Miao2 (esp after opening).
- Their level of decay is sped up once unsealed.
- Even faster if left exposed.

2. Potatoes turn reddish within a day without their skins even in the fridge.

3. Don't forget to thaw your meat. If you are not available to bring out the meat to thaw 2 (?) hours before cooking, thaw it in the fridge.

4.  Corn flour is good for tenderizing meat.

5. Cut your meat into small pieces (ie thin and short). Easier to cook through and easier to eat too.

6. Meat tends to expand a little after cooking.

7. Veggies shrivel after cooking.

8. Eat your food while hot. They taste so much better that way.

9. Put more water when cooking rice if you like your rice soft (esp with American brand rice). Thai jasmine rice probably don't need that much.

10. Regular fried rice is best done with dry rice.

11. A lettucehead has lots of lettuce in it.

Ijou desu. Go to study physics!

after note

and after all that talk about being bored...

I realized after finishing my (sweet sour pork) dinner that i had promised to go help out at Sheil for an event which was at 6.30 O_O noooooooo Tim (Sheil Campus Minister & a very nice and helpful guy) is going to be disappointed with me - my image of reliability is gonna be broken aiks <- hypocrisy alert!

but i forgot to tell you guys that i sang in the official Sheil choir for the first time today! (after gaining some confidence with Cantamus =3) Angela (Director of Liturgy and Music at Sheil) was so cute (i never knew grownup acting cute would be so pleasing to watch! Once a Diva, always a diva... aah Angela's charm has increased by 70% in my eyes *__*) Err...cantamus is more fun i think, and i don't think i contributed much to the choir, but i will try doing it for the rest of the summer. Probably not in the fall - if i can get into H.I.S. =)

What the heck am I doing?! I have a Physics Quiz tomorrow =.=" I was supposed to start studying an hour ago! Study Study Study!!!!!!!

I will try going to the library at night (i will use the shuttle to travel to my apt, don't worry) [just found out library closes at 10pm and not 9pm as i previously thought] in an attempt to curb my laziness!!

BORED AND LAZY =(

I've been virtually home alone for 2.5 days...... coz Tong Wei and Alvin both went out........

(Why don't you go out then?)

Er. Coz I was doing laundry and then I thought if i went out i'll need to come back soon to prepare cooking and i  couldn't resist the bed after putting in the laundry and then when i woke up and got myself to pick up laundry i found that i forgot to push the start button and so my 50cents termakan oleh dryer machine and then windows safe mode doesn't have audio support so i cannot watch anime and cannot even waste my time on http://www.lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.com/ and so i just realized how few sites i visit on the net: 1. gmail 2.my blog to go to 3. friend's blogs 4. facebook 5. Blackboard (school homework stuff) 6. craigslist (addicted to finding cheap furniture =.=) 7. rasamalaysia.com (recently)

Had the urge to bake a cake (tired of Asian food and the only Western food i made was pasta), but don't have the ingredients (i do have the equipment =D). And I have no "sense" in baking. Don't know when I should go to Jewel to grab the ingredients....whether it's worth it or not.....coz I'll only be here till 17 August.

I didn't realize how prevalent cookies were in my dining hall meal plan diet until i started staying off campus. And since i didn't buy cookies...........i don't have cookies or the usual Sargent dessert bar snacks to snack on! The ReesePuffs in the fridge some time ago (owned by one of the guys i suppose) looked extremely tempting. But I thought it would be a good idea to not eat so many cookies (no buy cookies = save money).

of course, unless the cookies are free. XD~ Jeannie and Nazirah both gave me cookies....and i also stole  satisfied my cravings with Sheil cookies <3.

Must mention my thanks to my wonderful foodie providers Jeannie and Nazirah. Jeannie had too much food in her kitchen that she said she couldn't finish, so I got quite abit of food (some free some bought) from her pantry to start up my own food stock. Like spring onion (?), instant pasta (those are lifesavers), rice, wieners (gonna try to make tako wieners!), oil, "instant" honey-bbq-chicken, "instant" onion rings, muffins and cookies, some cereal, and an almost untouched cup of icecream. And Nazirah was leaving USA and going back to Malaysia so I also inherited a large variety of food (incld raw meat - with all the red blood still visible and i think i'm gonna have to use some energy to chop them ^^;;) and spices (ikan bilis and hebi! just the stuff i needed) kintan powder (need to find out how to use them), leftover oyster sauce (i didn't know Malays use oyster sauce too!), leftover salt (i wish i hadn't bought my jar of salt already), a little bit of multipurpose flour (this is where my inspiration for baking came from) and baking soda (wow!), mayonnaise, frozen fish fillets, corn (gave to RC because he likes corn and i don't really), and some mysterious piece of fish/meat/thingy which i may or may not attempt to use lol.

Many thanks to my benefactors! I shall not forget your generosity T_T and will try to pass it on when my turn to be food fairy godmother comes~

What else? I should probably tell you guys about my summer school life huh.

I'm taking Physics 135-1,2, and 3 General Physics. It's intensive intensive summer physics, ie normally you would take all these courses one per quarter, and it would take you 9 months to do this, but in the summer we are doing in 8 weeks! Doesn't that sound exciting? Ha ha ha =__+ intensive sungguh. Lecture covers one chapter per day, quiz every day except for exam days (=.=), a midterm in about 1 week after you start classes, and a final (not very cumulative - not that we can forget anything in such a short period =.=) after 12 days of lecture! So my schedule is

9am- Quiz, 20 mins. Rigo the TA is very chill and cincai so that's cool.
10am-12pm - Lecture. My Physics1 lecturer is David Taylor and he looks like a (short) Santa Claus and can be very long winded and laughs at himself way too often but i really like his lectures =)

I only had one class with my physics2,3 lecturer so far - Andrew Rivers, who resembles Lim Tieng Seng in figure (long hinge-y limbs, dressing style, hairstyle (somewhat similar, but of course diff color coz he is ang moh)...... Can't say much about lecture style yet...but he can speak veeeery loudly until my ears ring (i sat at 3rd row or so coz my usual sweet 2nd row spot was taken =.=)

3-5pm (physics 1) or
1-3pm (from now on) - physics lab. lab TA= Rigo, the same chill and cincai guy, so it's not too bad. we pass up our reports at the end of lab so dun need to do anything at home (Yay). i got stuck with blur high school kids as lab partners last time, can't blame them since they are only in high school, and i myself suck at explaining stuff, and i'm socially awkward, and so I always end up being one of the last ppl to leave the lab (and dragging my lab partner to be slow too). gah.

Evening/after going home - Cook dinner, wash up, eat dinner, wash up, shower, try to do homework (or end up koya-ing), mami's phone call, facebook, online, go to sleep.

Early morning (earliest i woke up was 5.30am i think) Sometimes i dun have mood to do homework at night so i go to sleep and wake up early instead.

Morning - Milo+a teaspoon of coffee powder. to keep me awake during the lecture [KERANA IF I MISS THE LECTURE WHEN I"M IN KOYALAND I AM GOING TO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING AND WON"T HAVE TIME TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT BY MYSELF]

And speakign of class size, Physics 1 we had 7 ppl on the 1st day, 6 ppl on the 2nd, and 5 ppl for the rest... , "ha, ha, " =.=". But i really like that class size. First day of Physics 2, i was rather *shocked* to find i was the only girl among >5 guys......but of course later more girls came and we had about 16-19 ppl, incld about 5 girls. I'm kind of intimidated. Coz most of them must be smarty engineers, and i want to ask myself why the heck am i doing this?

Bio majors can  choose between taking phyx 135 (with calculus, engineers must take this set of physics. btw they don't have to take 135-1 bcoz their Engineering Analysis class already covered that), or  PHysics 130 (without calculus, supposedly easier..........) AAAAAAAA. I donno. of course all the advisors and lecturers say that 130 is not much easier than 135 [but they are freaking smart ppl so it doesnt make a difference to them], and my premed friends i know took 135 during the school year, so i thought it really wasn't much different. Besides i thought if i took 135 i could ask my housemates to teach me if i have any problem (both of them are engineers). And what else were the reasons i took 135. Erm a senior told me that 130 is more memorization and 135 is more calculation...and me thinking of the Archimedes Principle that i cannot understand until now thought 135 is better for me......of course i forgot to take into account that the senior is an engineer and very good in math (so level ga chigaimasu......swtdrop)

I seriously considered switching to 130 after flunking one of my quizzes (serious flunking. 8/20 points i tell you! garhhh luckily lowest quiz is dropped) And yeah one of the students who dropped 135 after the first day switched to 135. But after reading the CTECS (course teacher evaluation) reports for the lecturers, it seems that the 130-3 lecturer will make you hate physics and 135-2,3 lecturer will make you love physics..... i decided to stick with 135. Now i'm thinking twice again coz i didn't really understand the physics 135-2 first lecture (apa electric field apa coulomb law (ter-zzz) and all those diagrams (ter-zzz))

You see i need to work harder =( i havent' even gone over what i didn't understand since friday lecture, even though i'm so bored and have free time.

Ah, i want to know how i fared in physics 130!!!! (finals was last thursday).

I thought i felt burnt out yesterday. sigh. 60% to go before going home! i should should should go out more. should prolly go to gym and work out (lazy =.=) or at least take a walk by the lake (panas).

Agh it's time to prepare dinner. i don't want to tell you guys what i'm cooking tonight, coz i'm not sure if i can make it turn out ^^;;

ja ne

Happy [F]ather's Day + [F]reshman Year Look Back

Thank you my dear Papi for bringing me up...for changing my nappies and feeding me when i was a baby...carried me around when i was sick...waking up in the mornings to make a big breakfast...and always being there to listen to whatever rants, ramblings I heap on him...always giving good advice, encouragement, and being a strong solid rock with a gorgeous tenor voice and a lovely round belly.

My Papi's temperament and interests are closer to mine, so I felt closer to him than to mami when I was young (fierce mami, gentle storyteller papi ;) ) It has changed somewhat now, with mami=storyteller, though papi is not fierce. Though I realize papi's weaker points now (so he's no longer the ideal daddy of my childhood), I see his strengths clearer too and he is so much more dearer to me now.....T.T

I love you Papi and miss you T.T Can't wait to get back in August and see papi and mami's faces.

***

Freshman Year is done (if you don't count summer).
I feel like I've learnt so much this year. Much more than I've ever learnt in 9 months.
I've also been severely stressed out that I felt so much like hiding in a hole, hiding under my bed or under the table, or creep under my blanket (comforter) and sleep away the reality of the world. This happened several times when I found myself with a big scary task (assignment, paper, job application, interview etc) looming in front of me that needed to be done (very soon) but I was scared of doing.
But being so far away from home, I could no longer turn to my papi to help me finish, or copy from my classmates the next day. My task was something that only I could do, and I had to do it, whether or not I liked it. And time would pass by at its own pace, whether or not I had to turn in that paper in 24 or 10 hours later, or whether I had to walk 20 minutes to get to where I was supposed to be, or whether it was 2am in the morning and I still hadn't finished that 4 page paper...

I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and mistakes and choices. I also learnt to be a lot more independent, to try to do things on my own first, if I can - but then I got scared to asking people for favors. I learnt to express my ideas and opinions a little more. I learnt to re-believe in dreams. I learnt to just try, try and see, see how it goes.

I also learnt many new academic knowledge, and reinforced old knowledge. I learnt to love Chemistry. I learnt to study hard for unfamiliar subjects.

I also lost some. I tend to neglect my family and friends back home.

I need to go prepare for my class tomorrow so I'll stop here for now. Sorry for the abruptness. =p

An example of what sleep deprivation does to me

This is exactly what I typed in my notes during Art History lecture two weeks ago:

-----

Andre Masson, M

-surreal

Saldader Deil, The persistence of Memory, 1931.

- what method???

Dali, QQ]]]] QKD

Enrist GT, the Rapibity of H]Ssheep, 1842

- surrealitst stuiil gifacture ---tgiygk

YVES Tanguy. RAPISA

Gothic, 1944.

Shimmerins substance

Forward gripped. Brushed forward, loop

1940-55s

 Shauvinism, suprematism,

American styled painting

Pollock’s art

Not producing object, but art N WVWFn ocwakww

------

Compare with:

Andre Masson, Meditation on an Oak Leaf, 1942.

- Surrealism

Salvador Dali, The Persistence of Memory, 1931.

Yves Tanguy, The Rapidity of Sleep, 1942

- surrealist

Jackson Pollock, Shimmering Substance, 1946.

- Forward grip, forward brushstrokes, loops

1940-55s

Chauvinism, suprematism,

American styled painting

Pollock’s art

Not producing object, but art with meaning in itself / autonomous art / non-representational

-----

Hahaz. I didn't even need alcohol to write incoherent mabuk style.

BTW, please wish me luck for finals!!!! or wish that i can use my time max to prepare my best for finals!!!! >_______< I''ve been seriously stressed out. and i need i need i need to study hard and efficiently. tips?

Stepping on the line.

Namewee. He's old news but his Negarakuku is still relevant today. I just rewatched it on youtube and read some of the comments. I say relevant because the sensitive issues so boldly expressed by him are still sensitive today.

Youtube comments are always very scary. Always full of swearing and people hurling insults at each other. Both sides have their reasons to do so. Both sides feel so strongly that they have to swear and use ugly words to express their anger and frustration.

This is freedom of speech. Freedom of speech. Freedom of speech. Only on the internet where people can avoid using their own names, where people are not afraid of getting caught and punished.

It gets scary. It gets people riled up. It gets people agitated. It sets people thinking. It sets off the itch for self-expression. It can hurt - hurt a lot - hurt the relations between people who don't even know each other. It can

As a fellow Malaysian, I empathize with many of the problems brought up by Namewee. However I do not condone all of the ways he expressed those problems. Nevertheless, I think it pretty much sums up what many Malaysians think of Malaysia - yes, with all the swear words and politically incorrect statements. It is not the voice of a lone individual whom you can shut up with authority. It represents the voice of many frustrated Malaysians.

There is a reason why Namewee made this video. I can't remember exactly what was reported in the press, but I believe he said that he loves Malaysia and wants to come back. Does that make sense to you? Let me rephrase that. Someone going through all that trouble to make a video complaining about issues in his country and who puts himself at risk of angering certain groups powerful enough to strip him of his citizenship. What for? Perhaps he did not expect the reaction to be that big. Perhaps he did not expect that his video would get spread out so widely. But he must have made that video for a reason other than "for fun". One can see that he really put in a lot of thinking in making that video.

Let me rephrase that. Someone who loves his country who critiques issues in his country. Doesn't that sound familiar? Like artists, writers, journalists, political leaders all over the world...risking their reputation, livelihood, and life itself. Including our own leaders who helped bring around the independence of our country. The intention of critiquing issues is, I believe, to spur a change in the people's mindset, to make aware and put forth white elephants for people to talk about and debate about, and result in a change. A change for the better.

I talk this way because I've been studying artists in the history of art in the era of modernism and modernisation - when countries were in turmoil most of the time and certain people wanted to change the situation. At that time some artists believed that art could be a weapon to change the world. They were serious about their art and their goal. And they were often extremely loyal to their own country. Many continued to paint although the state did not recognize their works. Many continued to push forward their ideals although it would not bring them any money or fame. Many suffered for their choices. Many were in exile. But because of them, we have today's wealth of art that is a testament to their passion.

People who love their country and choose to live in it naturally want the country to change for the better and not for worse. Well, some people may have different ideas on what means better and what means worse.

I don't exactly think Namewee was really intending to offend the religion of Islam - it's just a certain practice that he has issues with. And yet he still expresses some fondness for it - he says without it it's not Malaysia. I don't think that's enough to tell him to go pack his bags and leave the country. Ask yourself if you would feel the same if you were in his place. However, his stereotyping of tudung-clad-females-takign their own sweet time to cross the road is racist and inappropriate, I feel, since everybody regardless of race must have done something like that at some point.

I encourage the people offended by Namewee's video to look beyond the things that offend and hurt you - open your heart and mind to hear the frustrations of a fellow countryman - and think, what is it that led him to make this video? What is it that led him to use such strong language until he hurt you? Why is it that you feel hurt by his remarks on the issues he brought up? What other emotions you felt when watching this? Have you ever felt the same way as he did?

As I try to put myself into the shoes of the person who is offended by this video, so should the offended person try to put himself in the shoes of Namewee. Challenge yourself with free speech which hurts.