Happy [F]ather's Day + [F]reshman Year Look Back

Thank you my dear Papi for bringing me up...for changing my nappies and feeding me when i was a baby...carried me around when i was sick...waking up in the mornings to make a big breakfast...and always being there to listen to whatever rants, ramblings I heap on him...always giving good advice, encouragement, and being a strong solid rock with a gorgeous tenor voice and a lovely round belly.

My Papi's temperament and interests are closer to mine, so I felt closer to him than to mami when I was young (fierce mami, gentle storyteller papi ;) ) It has changed somewhat now, with mami=storyteller, though papi is not fierce. Though I realize papi's weaker points now (so he's no longer the ideal daddy of my childhood), I see his strengths clearer too and he is so much more dearer to me now.....T.T

I love you Papi and miss you T.T Can't wait to get back in August and see papi and mami's faces.

***

Freshman Year is done (if you don't count summer).
I feel like I've learnt so much this year. Much more than I've ever learnt in 9 months.
I've also been severely stressed out that I felt so much like hiding in a hole, hiding under my bed or under the table, or creep under my blanket (comforter) and sleep away the reality of the world. This happened several times when I found myself with a big scary task (assignment, paper, job application, interview etc) looming in front of me that needed to be done (very soon) but I was scared of doing.
But being so far away from home, I could no longer turn to my papi to help me finish, or copy from my classmates the next day. My task was something that only I could do, and I had to do it, whether or not I liked it. And time would pass by at its own pace, whether or not I had to turn in that paper in 24 or 10 hours later, or whether I had to walk 20 minutes to get to where I was supposed to be, or whether it was 2am in the morning and I still hadn't finished that 4 page paper...

I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and mistakes and choices. I also learnt to be a lot more independent, to try to do things on my own first, if I can - but then I got scared to asking people for favors. I learnt to express my ideas and opinions a little more. I learnt to re-believe in dreams. I learnt to just try, try and see, see how it goes.

I also learnt many new academic knowledge, and reinforced old knowledge. I learnt to love Chemistry. I learnt to study hard for unfamiliar subjects.

I also lost some. I tend to neglect my family and friends back home.

I need to go prepare for my class tomorrow so I'll stop here for now. Sorry for the abruptness. =p

An example of what sleep deprivation does to me

This is exactly what I typed in my notes during Art History lecture two weeks ago:

-----

Andre Masson, M

-surreal

Saldader Deil, The persistence of Memory, 1931.

- what method???

Dali, QQ]]]] QKD

Enrist GT, the Rapibity of H]Ssheep, 1842

- surrealitst stuiil gifacture ---tgiygk

YVES Tanguy. RAPISA

Gothic, 1944.

Shimmerins substance

Forward gripped. Brushed forward, loop

1940-55s

 Shauvinism, suprematism,

American styled painting

Pollock’s art

Not producing object, but art N WVWFn ocwakww

------

Compare with:

Andre Masson, Meditation on an Oak Leaf, 1942.

- Surrealism

Salvador Dali, The Persistence of Memory, 1931.

Yves Tanguy, The Rapidity of Sleep, 1942

- surrealist

Jackson Pollock, Shimmering Substance, 1946.

- Forward grip, forward brushstrokes, loops

1940-55s

Chauvinism, suprematism,

American styled painting

Pollock’s art

Not producing object, but art with meaning in itself / autonomous art / non-representational

-----

Hahaz. I didn't even need alcohol to write incoherent mabuk style.

BTW, please wish me luck for finals!!!! or wish that i can use my time max to prepare my best for finals!!!! >_______< I''ve been seriously stressed out. and i need i need i need to study hard and efficiently. tips?

Stepping on the line.

Namewee. He's old news but his Negarakuku is still relevant today. I just rewatched it on youtube and read some of the comments. I say relevant because the sensitive issues so boldly expressed by him are still sensitive today.

Youtube comments are always very scary. Always full of swearing and people hurling insults at each other. Both sides have their reasons to do so. Both sides feel so strongly that they have to swear and use ugly words to express their anger and frustration.

This is freedom of speech. Freedom of speech. Freedom of speech. Only on the internet where people can avoid using their own names, where people are not afraid of getting caught and punished.

It gets scary. It gets people riled up. It gets people agitated. It sets people thinking. It sets off the itch for self-expression. It can hurt - hurt a lot - hurt the relations between people who don't even know each other. It can

As a fellow Malaysian, I empathize with many of the problems brought up by Namewee. However I do not condone all of the ways he expressed those problems. Nevertheless, I think it pretty much sums up what many Malaysians think of Malaysia - yes, with all the swear words and politically incorrect statements. It is not the voice of a lone individual whom you can shut up with authority. It represents the voice of many frustrated Malaysians.

There is a reason why Namewee made this video. I can't remember exactly what was reported in the press, but I believe he said that he loves Malaysia and wants to come back. Does that make sense to you? Let me rephrase that. Someone going through all that trouble to make a video complaining about issues in his country and who puts himself at risk of angering certain groups powerful enough to strip him of his citizenship. What for? Perhaps he did not expect the reaction to be that big. Perhaps he did not expect that his video would get spread out so widely. But he must have made that video for a reason other than "for fun". One can see that he really put in a lot of thinking in making that video.

Let me rephrase that. Someone who loves his country who critiques issues in his country. Doesn't that sound familiar? Like artists, writers, journalists, political leaders all over the world...risking their reputation, livelihood, and life itself. Including our own leaders who helped bring around the independence of our country. The intention of critiquing issues is, I believe, to spur a change in the people's mindset, to make aware and put forth white elephants for people to talk about and debate about, and result in a change. A change for the better.

I talk this way because I've been studying artists in the history of art in the era of modernism and modernisation - when countries were in turmoil most of the time and certain people wanted to change the situation. At that time some artists believed that art could be a weapon to change the world. They were serious about their art and their goal. And they were often extremely loyal to their own country. Many continued to paint although the state did not recognize their works. Many continued to push forward their ideals although it would not bring them any money or fame. Many suffered for their choices. Many were in exile. But because of them, we have today's wealth of art that is a testament to their passion.

People who love their country and choose to live in it naturally want the country to change for the better and not for worse. Well, some people may have different ideas on what means better and what means worse.

I don't exactly think Namewee was really intending to offend the religion of Islam - it's just a certain practice that he has issues with. And yet he still expresses some fondness for it - he says without it it's not Malaysia. I don't think that's enough to tell him to go pack his bags and leave the country. Ask yourself if you would feel the same if you were in his place. However, his stereotyping of tudung-clad-females-takign their own sweet time to cross the road is racist and inappropriate, I feel, since everybody regardless of race must have done something like that at some point.

I encourage the people offended by Namewee's video to look beyond the things that offend and hurt you - open your heart and mind to hear the frustrations of a fellow countryman - and think, what is it that led him to make this video? What is it that led him to use such strong language until he hurt you? Why is it that you feel hurt by his remarks on the issues he brought up? What other emotions you felt when watching this? Have you ever felt the same way as he did?

As I try to put myself into the shoes of the person who is offended by this video, so should the offended person try to put himself in the shoes of Namewee. Challenge yourself with free speech which hurts.

101 Religious Conversations

What do you think when you see the words "God's children"?

What do you think when you see the words "God's People"?

During MEIV joint-small group today, we touched upon the subject of the categorization and labelling of people as "Christians" and "Non-Christians", since in the bible Paul says that we (all humankind) are offsprings of God.

[So the above part is for you to think about. The main story goes from here:]

From that topic I recalled something I read before/something someone told me, that Muslims believe that everyone is born a Muslim (not in the technical way, but more like everyone has the precondition to enter into the Islamic faith?), so I brought it up for the group to discuss.

SCHOLARS/MUSLIMS HERE PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG

So after that (Yeah so I started the whole thing =.=), Jenny (an absolutely sweet and wise Korean senior) mentioned her Muslim friend and said that he had a heart for God, even though he is not a Christian - then I "eh? Isn't it the Same God?" and there began a whole (at least 30 min) discussion between me, Jenny, Ed, and a little bit of Esther, with Peter sitting on the couch.

I'm going to try to write about my understanding of certain religious issues.

1. Issue 1: Same God?

I have always believed that Christians, Muslims, and Jews have the same God. I still believe it. What I mean by same God? Like, duh, look at the history of these three religions, starting from Abraham. Our God is the God of Abraham, who is God of Issac and Jacob=Israel (Yahweh; I'm sorry if I disrespected the Jewish religion by using this sacred name), who is God of Ishmael/Ismail and Mohammad (Allah), who is God of Peter and Paul, the Triune God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Now, Jenny and Ed disagreed. Allah is not the same as our God. Allah is a god of justice - He is not a loving God, although He is Merciful. Our God is a God of justice and love. Also Muslims don't believe in the Trinity. They don't believe in Jesus as God.

[Also, I should mention Ed's background (he's white but he was brought up in Africa, where there were serious religious conflicts) shaped his perspective of Islam [and he has taken comparative religion studies before]. In Sudan, extremist Muslims thought that non-Muslims go to hell and should be killed.]

I agree with all that (though I need to check up on whether Allah is or not a loving god). However, what we believe about God or what we think He is does not change the fact that He Is Who He Is, which brings us to the meaning of the name YAHWEH (there is a complicated story behind this, and the meaning of the word itself is ambiguous, but YAHWEH or YHWH is the name God used for himself while addressing the Hebrews).

My belief about this is: While our perceptions of God the names we use to call Him may differ, He is still the one God of Jews, Muslims, and Christians... One Eternal God who created the heavens and the earth.

2. Issue 2: The Christian way is The Way, The Truth, and The Life. Other religions are not as good as Christianity.

The argument over whose religion has the whole truth, I think, is not going to reach a conclusion any time soon. Just as scientific methods cannot be used to prove any hypothesis 100% true, I don't think we can prove for sure who has the whole truth. And I don't think we need to. As long as we know the direction we're heading is towards the truth, we will eventually find it.

Esther asked, "Do you believe there is an absolute moral truth? Or that people shape their own truths?" I said "I believe that there is a moral truth out there, and God is the truth. But people have their own ways of finding the truth."

Ed said that all religions are a way of mankind's search/groping for truth/meaning.

I said yeah.

What is truth actually? I don't know. But I'm content to grope and search until I find it.

3. Evangelism

I am personally not comfortable with evangelizing people aka more crudely it's converting people to Christianity aka more nicely put telling people about the Good News Jesus brought to all mankind. One factor is that evangelism was not a big part of my christian education. Another factor is that my non-Christian friends are put-off when people try to do that (everybody remember Mr. Yam?) Third factor is I don't see the pressing need to push Christian teachings down people's minds when they are living good moral lives and are content with it.

Ed asked "Have you found the truth?"

I said "No!"

Ed said "I have. That's why if I see someone groping in the dark for the truth, how can I not tell him that the truth is right there?"

That makes sense. Because Christians so firmly believe that by grace we have been saved, saved for sure. Saved not by our own efforts but by grace [I still need to struggle a little with this belief].

People may seem content with their lives with or without religion, but they may be struggling really hard deep inside. Or it's obvious they are struggling with life. If they can come to know God, how much joy and strength and comfort they would receive from Him?

As Jenny said the reason that Christians want to spread the good news, want to tell others about Jesus, is because of the joy Jesus gave to her - knowing that there is someone there to accept us no matter what we may have done, no matter what terrible things we've done to others, no matter what stupid things we've done and no matter how much we hate ourselves for it; knowing that there is someone who will accept us and hug us and forgive us for everything we've done; someone who is your constant friend and guide; someone to rely on when the going gets tough; someone to cry to, to seek help from; someone who loves us unconditionally; someone who sacrificed his life for us, and would be willing to do it again and again; Knowing that there is that someone there for us - we can continue to live life with love and strength no matter how hard life is - Don't you feel the joy is overflowing that you just WANT to spread it to everyone?

Oh. It should arise not out of a sense of obligation, but because I WANT to?

I think it makes more sense to me now why Christians evangelize.

However, from yet another perspective, (credits to Marielle, who is not religious but has strong ethical values), when you become a Christian, you accept all the teachings of the Church, whether you like it or not. And how can you believe something that you don't? I agree, because I myself have issues with certain Christian teachings... So...

I think I might have to get a clearer grasp of The Truth, what my Religion really is, what do I really believe in, and

I actually have had evangelical thoughts before. No, not that I want to drag you with me to church and get baptized or what. There were a few occasions when I felt that, if she/he had Jesus, if she/he knew God, she/he would be happier and have the strength and optimism to live their lives to the full. And also times when I felt helpless when a friend was in trouble, the only thing I could do was pray.

Now you can argue again that prayer is just wishful thinking. Religion is just a psychological gimmick, something that man created/imagined to help him bear with this harsh life. To quote Karl Marx, religion is "opium for the masses". It works just like placebo.

Well, all you said is reasonable and logical. However, I believe that there is something deeper than this. Religion is just the surface, a name to simplify and clump together lots of beliefs that help shape our relationship with God who is life and more than life. Irrational belief? Is it really irrational? I don't feel that way at all. This faith, where does it come from? From what i was taught? But then how would you explain why grown-ups fully capable of logical reasoning chose to believe?

I asked Suk Sien (who decided to become a Christian when she was in high school; and she is one of the most intelligent, rational people I've ever known- to further strengthen this statement she was accepted into CALTECH) why did she convert? She said that she saw how God's power was working in her life, and believed.

Do I really love God? Do I love Jesus? I dare not say that I love God and I love Jesus like my Christian and Catholics do so loudly and brightly (just to tell you that Catholics can be as loud in expressing their love for Jesus as much as Protestants)...that's becasue I don't want to make such a declaration in public, when I yet have to confirm how much i love God and I love Jesus and whether i can accept all of church's teachings.

Agh. The conversation really made me queasy, because I'm not used to being challenged and told "You're Wrong" and having to defend and support my arguments........definitely out of my comfort zone. But I learnt alot.

---

fin. O_O i have a stats problem set and prelab to finish tonight because it's due tomorrow. T_T Aigh. But I think this blog post is worth it. I really hope you guys did read it through.

Please please offer me your opinions and arguments and feelings.

100th Post Happy Mami's Day Happy 20th Birthday Happy Saturday

Dear all,

I can hardly believe what I've just been through in the past 13 hours. Nah, it's nothing fantastic, but here I am, typing my 100th blog entry in bed with my head on the pillow and laptop lying on its side.

I'm going to write in partially-reverse-chronological order and my writing is going to drive you nuts. You are forewarned.

Just now I might've fulfilled one of my little dreams, i.e. to lie down in a huge field of green grass and just gaze at the blue blue sky with some wind blowing in my hair.

5.55AM The sun had already risen (WTH is wrong with the weather/seasons) and I took a walk to the lakefront...gazing at the risen orange fireball in delight. Walked to a little grove (?)....green grass all over....trees with green leaves....blue sky...morning sun.....cool wind.........

凉爽的早晨，清新的空气，鸟儿不停地唧唧响。。。这么美丽的早晨，怎么没有人跟我一起分享呢？

I lay my bedsheet down on the grass , plopped my pillow, and lay down gazing at the sky framed by young green leaves of some trees...................it was very relaxing......arghhh i'm kind of sleepy now so i'm not getting anywhere trying to describe what i just experienced. will try to upload pics on facebook to show you guys how beautiful it was.

Various things passed through my mind. My inner voice went "注定了。。注定了~~~" as for what I'm referring to in my mind...i'll leave it for you guys to guess...coz it's very cheesy

I remembered the times when I experienced this calm and peace in natural settings... Sunrise on the river at home, LA Hot Springs, on Bukit Bendera, at the beach after camp... Nostalgia... And yet it wasn't totally peaceful...I felt some anxiety in my heart. Worry about my unfinished homework and whether I can finish it this weekend. And then I suddenly wanted to cry- I thought about it, and I decided to let it all out---

"好想回家！！！要回家！！我要回家！！芭比，妈咪～哇～～～～想回家！！要回家！！！”

After yelling and sobbing for a minute or two I felt better. The uneasy feeling in my heart/chest was dispersed. =) Then I continued lying on the grass and relaxing...sometimes saying a little prayer...singing a little...listening to the birds...taking photographs...looking at the sky, the trees, the sun, the grass...

I was so delighted to see real dew appearing before my eyes on the blades of grass. Cute, clear, pure dew drops! There's so many of them...

6.55AM went back to my dorm room. =)

-------

6-7PM (FRIDAY) Relay for Life at SPAC

Fundraisign event for American Cancer Society. People stay up all night and take turns to relay around jogging track in the gym (SPAC). I'm on Team Sheil. Our team altogether raised a total of $1397!!! I contributed $111. None of it was from my JPA allowance.

$21 was from Cilipadi!!! It was a pleasant surprise...I didn't expect that much... Earlier I asked Fiona that instead of a birthday cake/present, I'd like to receive donations for Relay for Life... and Cilipadi friends generously gave! Although $21 may not look like alot, in RM it's about RM100 already! That is a looooot! I'm proud of you Cilipadi! Thanks so much dear friends for your generosity...Cancer patients will benefit from your contribution

How about the rest? I had been saving up a sum of money from doing the Kellogg/Psych department paid research studies- ie going to Kellogg marketing department to do some surveys and getting paid- usually $5 for 15mins, or Psych department for psych studies. I had been plannign to use this money to buy a Northwestern sweatshirt, which is something that almost every NU student has, and I'd really like to have, but is pretty expensive (starting at about $39) so i never sanggup beli. Also I wanted to buy a coffee cup (with lid and maybe handle) because i had been creasting a lot of rubbish by using disposable styrofoam cups from dining halls. It was a struggle. Although team captain Luis reassured us that there is no minimum amount of donations we hhave to make, but i felt shameful because everybdoy else seemed to be contributing a lot, while i didn't really try to do anything (besides my birthday thing ^^;;). I had already planned to give $32, which is an amount I pledged from the Lenten 6-10 challenge ($32= 10% of my expenses during Lenten season), but then i thought, maybe i should give more. Perhaps i should give all the money i got from kellogg studies. i was struggling because i knew i didn't need to donate all and i indeed had been saving up the money since last quarter, vs. pride - i didn't want to seem like the worst fundraiser and my do-the-right-thing-concept i was trying to uphold. I was ashamed at my own hypocrisy. Thursday i realized i was holding back like the rich young man who wanted to follow Jesus, and Jesus said it was harder for a rich man ot enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. I realized that, and that became the main driving force for me to donate my "earnings". And I believe that why I did what I did was not entirely to save face (partially, perhaps).

[And then I fell asleep after writing the previous sentence. The draft was autosaved at 8.05am, so make your own guesses]

During the event I realized something that made me happy... By donating that extra $58 to benefit cancer research, I was emulating my mother when she gave her share of inheritance (from my late aunt) to my uncle (who passed away earlier this year) who had been struck with cancer. Another uncle also gave his full share, and other uncles and aunts also gave part of their shares. It is really admirable...because the amount they gave up is really a huge huge sum. My uncle who had cancer really needed money though, because he had been laid off many years back and had been working various low-salary, part-time jobs such as driving buses. His wife is also ill and was only earning a meagre salary at a factory.

I am proud of my mother =)

.

Anyway, I was staying up from 6pm yesterday to 6am today for Relay for Life. What is Relay for Life? Check out their official description here: http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/whatisrelay

I did take naps though, but I did walk around the track for a good amount of time. Staying up all night for some event is always an interesting experience. The last time I did that was for the Lenten event last year with INTI CSS people. This time i spent the night/morning with 600-800 NU students in the basketball courts of SPAC, with people playing frisbee all over each other, playing games, eating snacks, and jumping in the wonderful inflatable trampoline house. Around dinnertime I walked around with Esha, was surprised by Esha's ability to talk to anybody as if she had known them her whole life...it was so natural (and she takes her time in talking to, if that reminds you of anybody ^^;; [bukan saya]), and was pleasantly surprised when we met out MATH 230 lecturer Prof. Yildirim (she's so cute). She said she was planning to leave Northwestern, partly because of the horrible weather, going to India for vacation (Esha was going to India with her family too during summer) and Yildirim's young daughter- Esha even asked her name and it was Aysu, which approximately means the beauty of the reflection of the moon in the water in Turkish.

Blablabla. My team captain was Luis, a very funny and friendly bear-sized Hispanic guy. Chris, a senior in Mech.E. from AAIV. and ChanHan, a Korean guy who goes to AAIV and MEIV (he performs with H.I.S., the MEIV acapella group). Joe, a very friendly junior who always wears this cute smiley badge pin on his shirt and looks just like the smiley face. Sarah, a Mech.E. senior. Janelle, a sophomore, who survived cancer in senior year of high school.

Bleb.

Sunset and sunrise over the lake was absolutely beautiful.....this will motivate me to wake up earlier to see sunrise at NU...=)

.

Let's skip my birthday story for now, because I have a paper due Tuesday, a paper rewrite that I should finish asap, Lab report due monday, chemistry reading that i should do, stats problem set that i should start... LAB CONSULTANT APPLICATION WTH. And some other extracurricular stuff (draft that permission slip for SALCO, reply to Louie to accept position as GSW tutor for next year, buying furniture, email Min Sze, reply Chuey Sien's email)

.

Happy Belated Mother's Day. Thank you Mami for giving birth to me and taking care of me until now. I am 20 years old now. That is miraculous.

My mum's "very determined" attitude is rubbing off me. If you think I'm determined, it's thanks to my mami =) I thank my mother for many good things in my life.

.

I Said To Poetry

I laughing my I and all the sky feels pie.

by bakaka courtesy of
http://www.languageisavirus.com/cgi-bin/madlibs.pl

^ Found that random poem generator while i was searching online for help in analyzing the poem I'm going to perform next Tuesday.

I took a long time deciding which poem to perform. Incidentally, 3 poems in the anthology (Literature & Its Writers, Charters & Charters) were in our Literature Component in Form 1 & Form 4 =D, i.e. The Road Not Taken (someone in my class is going to perform this), Lake Isle of Innisfree, and Sonnet 18!!! Lol.

I really like Innisfree, and while googling about it i found out that Innisfree is actually a real place in Ireland. And I heard a recording of Yeats himself reading/humming the poem [it's totally different from how I read it - much less dramatic & with a rather droning tone but with an interesting underlying rumbling beat to it. As if he was humming this little thing to himself while farming on the Lake Isle]. But I decided it was too short a poem to perform (2-4 mins).

Sonnet 18. Hahahah. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. I still remember how Sc1 ppl imitated Ms. Wong pronouncing 'temperate'. But I think I was scared I would seem too "high flown" while performing this poem and end up mispronouncing words so I didn't choose it.

More poems. My lecturer is interested in social issues (esp. feminism) underlying literature, so I kept my eyes out for one. I also felt that it would help me be less dependent on my "dramatic" style. I am so keen on this because the 103 Handbook (our pdf 'textbook') said on pg25,

"But it is best for the performer to seek to match his or her
body with that of the poem, since, as an artist, the performer exists to perform the
poem. Certain "personality readers" seek instead to turn all poems into their own
bodies, and they make all poems sound pretty much alike. However profitable
commercially such personality performers may be, they are not the kind of performer
we are interested in developing. Such performers do not grow, they stagnate; as
artists they die."

O_O That sounds like a certain somebody (me). No I don't want to grow moldy and die X.X

Anyway, among all the poems with a political message, "War Is Kind" by Stephen Crane attracted me. It's not too long either (we have to memorize the poem we're performing o.o")

Do not weep, maiden, for war is kind.

Because your lover threw wild hands toward the sky

And the affrighted steed ran on alone,

Do not weep.

War is kind.

Hoarse, booming drums of the regiment,
Little souls who thirst for fight,
These men were born to drill and die.
The unexplained glory flies above them,
Great is the battle-god, great, and his kingdom --
A field where a thousand corpses lie.

Do not weep, babe, for war is kind.

Because your father tumbled in the yellow trenches,

Raged at his breast, gulped and died,

Do not weep.

War is kind.

Swift blazing flag of the regiment,
Eagle with crest of red and gold,
These men were born to drill and die.
Point for them the virtue of slaughter,
Make plain to them the excellence of killing
And a field where a thousand corpses lie.

Mother whose heart hung humble as a button

On the bright splendid shroud of your son,

Do not weep.

War is kind.

It's something that I can relate to, and thought I would be able to perform.
So I put my choices on Blackboard (online course management system) - "War is Kind" or "I Said To Poetry" - I couldn't decide which one to do.

The next day after class, one of my classmates came to me and asked about it because he wanted to perform this poem (we were both performing on the same day). Hence to make things easier for him and for me, I decided to do "I Said To Poetry".

I still do have lingering feelings for "War Is Kind", but I guess there's no turning back. Let's hope that I can pull off "I Said To Poetry" and not grow mold and die. =P

****
Alice Walker, 'I Said To Poetry'

I said to Poetry:"I'm finished
with you."
Having to almost die
before some weird light
comes creeping through
is no fun.
"No thank you, Creation,
no muse need apply.
I'm out for good times--
at the very least,
some painless convention."

Poetry laid back
and played dead
until this morning.
I wasn't sad or anything,
only restless.

Poetry said: "You remember
the desert, and how glad you were
that you have an eye
to see it with? You remember
that, if ever so slightly?"
I said: "I didn't hear that.
Besides, it's five o'clock in the a.m.
I'm not getting up
in the dark
to talk to you."

Poetry said: "But think about the time
you saw the moon
over that small canyon
that you liked so much better
than the grand one--and how suprised you were
that the moonlight was green
and you still had
one good eye
to see it with.

Think of that!"

"I'll join the church!" I said,
huffily, turning my face to the wall.
"I'll learn how to pray again!"

"Let me ask you," said Poetry.
"When you pray, what do you think
you'll see?"

Poetry had me.

"There's no paper
in this room," I said.
"And that new pen I bought
makes a funny noise."

"Bullshit," said Poetry.
"Bullshit," said I.

****
Sorry if the colored font distracted you.

I wonder what you think the poem means? And how would you perform it or how would you like to see it being performed? I'd like to know what other people think. Do tell me.
.
For some background about the "one eye", yes, the poet has only one good eye. According to The Official Alice Walker Biography, when she was young, her brothers accidentally shot her right eye with a BB gun and, not wanting to take the blame, they made up a story and persuaded her to go along. She did, and that experience had a lasting impact on her.
.
It's a really fun poem, and I hope I can pull some meaning out of it, other than the fun part.
Oh yeah I have to write a 4-5 page paper about the process of analyzing this poem. =.=" Gotta continue with my work [Gah I have a lot to do man]
.
Ja mata

More of ASB

(continued from previous post)

Jenny aka Jen-nay-nay aka The Boss *heart*

She was my GSW Chem 111 facilitator, and was really very good at teaching. She is really solid (as in reliable) and cool and nice. I think I most adore her ability to speak firmly and clearly and stay cool as a cucumber. Yet her most adorable part is her naivepart *winks*. (Yeah I was surprised when I found out that she's a Catholic. Though she hasn't been going to Sheil this past year probly due to busy-ness X.X Jenny pls go to church~ but i dun feel its my position to tell her|||) During the ASB trip I slept with my feet facing her feet (so we're buddies~! WRONG. =.=") I remember one morning her alarm went off over and over again and it was way before i wanted to get up and it got so annoying that i tapped her feet with my foot to tell her to wake up and shut up the alarm clock and she did wake up and guess what she said:

"Maria, thanks!" O_O Erm...you got it wrong Boss...my intention was not a noble one......but i never told her x.x
And later when I saw her hair wet then I remembered why she had wanted to get up so early - to shower - then I understood why she thanked me lol.

But that's not an essential part of what I wanted to tell you guys. Anyway here's the elaborate story. On ASB trips we generally cook our own food, and everyone takes turn cooking. Me and Nathan were randomly selected as a cooking pair, and I was freaking out because I am pretty much clueless about cooking [though I can cook rice in a cooking pot and probly fry an egg and I do know the theory of stir-fry]. Nathan is a headstrong guy who has clear thoughts and when he sets out to do something, he is very determined to do it (and do it as perfectly as possible). So even though he also doesn't know much about cooking, he virtually took control of the situation by making almost all of the decisions. And me being my low-self-esteem self, the one who always gets persuaded but never manages to persuade (T-T), i felt like i was being pushed back. Yet I couldn't complain because I really don't know what to do, and how can I contribute like this? [ELS story all over again] So Nathan decided that we would be making fajita, a type of Mexican food (go google it yourself la I lazy). It's something like taco. And I agreed because I had no better ideas. When we went shopping at Kroger, everything we bought was basically decided by him (because I had no idea what fajita is or how to estimate how much people eat. I still don't know how to estimate how much ppl eat -.-"). So I was feeling...unsatisfied...because I wasn't contributing. I want to contribute! I don't want to be useless!

My Biggest Fear is: Being Useless; or more precisely, being disliked & being scolded & being thought stupid by everyone in the world. T.T i don't want that i don't want that i don't want that.

Erhem. (So I hope you now understand better why i try so hard to not offend ppl to the extent of withdrawing myself from possibly disrupting group harmony in various social situations)

Back to the story. Nathan & me were supposed to cook dinner on Thursday evening, so the night before I confided in Jenny about my worries/fears/dissatisfaction. Jenny had a clear view of the situation and frankly told me what she thought, and what i should do, in a way that was impartial to everybody. While talking to her I gradually became clear as to what I thought and what was the thing I should do. I said I don't mind doing all the manual labor (because clearly i cannot help much in the brainy department because i don't know what a fajita is lol). I said I think I will ask Nathan to let me do at least 50% of the work. I don't want him to take all the credit.

Later that night Nathan literallySHOOED everybody out of the kitchen & brought Xin Kai in. To make his top secret surprise dessert (=.=) Not even me was allowed (wth?) I was stubborn for quite some time, not wanting to get out of the kitchen, prolonging my stay by washing the dishes and pots and pans. Nathan was even more stubborn (SUPER SUPER HEADSTRONG STUBBORN O_O). In the end I still left the kitchen (because i doubt he will ever give way |||orz) but on ONE CONDITION: i will get to help him make the dessert tomorrow. I don't want him to get all the credit.

As luck would have it, Thursday evening after painting, some ppl went to Krogers to get more groceries, and Nathan went to get the salsa sauce. And I went back to the church where we were staying to get started on preparing dinner. BIG GRIN =D. I started by doing the canned refried beans. Lisa & Jenny were at hand to instruct this clueless kid. Really not much, just pouring them from the can into a pan, heat up, and stirring so they won't get burnt. (Refried beans look gross, btw).

And then I proceeded to cut the veggies (luckily Nathan told me beforehand that we were going to slice them). Shalini and Ritu and Lisa offered to help cut but I FLATLY REFUSED because I FINALLY GET THE CHANCE TO COOK and to have the chance to do ALL the work is a WONDERFUL PLEASURE and a RARE OPPORTUNITY for this spoilt overprotected xiao jie here. Yes, because at home I feel that pa & mi don't trust me to cook, and besides i'm too slow lol. Shalini kept on offering to help but i flatly said No. (Sorry Shalini. This is important to me. It's a previous learning and growing process for me. You must let me "struggle" my way out from the cocoon and learn to use my wings.
Moldy: Struggle konon. =.= )

What veggies? Bell Peppers aka Capsicum EWWWW -.-||| I don't like bell peppers x.x But they look pretty and are not too hard to cut, though Jenny and Lisa had to give me explicit instructions. I'll repeat them to you now. First wash the capsicum. Next, cut it into half. Then cut off/tear off using hands the center part (with the seeds and all). Then slice them (I did it with the capsicum's inside facing up). Try to slice them into equal sizes (widths) so that they'll be cooked evenly - this is especially important for meats! [I know this! though not the reason. From watching Chuuka Ichiban XD See? Anime is educational] So I finished slicing 1 yellow, 1 red, and 1 green capsicum all on my own! Yay!

Then I went on to the tomato. The last time i cut tomatoes (during ASB DC) it was not a pretty result X.X Now i referred to my experienced consultant cooks. It would be impossible to slice tomatoes, so the experienced cooks advised me to dice them. So I shall proceed to tell you the explicit instructions for dicing tomatoes. First wash the tomatoes. Next, cut it into half. Then slice the 1/2-tomato into slices & then dices - imagine the oval-hemisphere shaped 1/2-tomato, imagine the oval has two axes. i think it's better to slice the longer axis first, and then make 4 more parallel slices. then only turn it 90 degrees clockwise/anticlockwise, to slice the shorter axis and make 4 more slices parallel to the shorter axis, and you will have diced 1/2 a tomato! Do the same with the other 1/2. [Hope people are getting what i'm trying to say lol. But most people won't need that much advice about dicing tomatoes gua haha]

Before I finished dicing all 6 tomatoes, Nathan had come back. He & others sliced (I let him slice =P) the two onions while i finished up the tomatoes because I had sliced onions at home before =] Then we went on to the chickens. I think it was 3 pounds of chicken breasts. Nathan took out the fatty parts of the chicken breasts and passed them on to me for me to slice. Again, my best-est ["best-est" is not a word] consultant cooks advised me along the way. I think I did a pretty good job ^_~ Because of time shortage, Ritu and Lisa helped us to slice the chickens too (yeah i finally allowed outside help lol).

Then follow the instructions of Kroger (generic) brand Fajita pre-made seasoning mix [The Secret of the Taste]. I cannot remember already X.X We used 2 packets. I think we seasoned the chicken before cooking (by mixing the powder with the chicken in a salad bowl). Nathan did that while i began...

...stir fry~! I was so happy when I found out that we were going to do stir fry because it's something I know more about! And with Lisa the experienced cook consultant by my side, I fear not! I can't remember exactly the procedure, but it should go like: 1. Pour some oil into pan/wok. 2. put the onions. 3. i can't rmb whether to put the chicken or capsicum first. i think it was chicken, bcoz there was a lot of capsicum and it would've been hard to stir fry chicken properly. 4. Stir fry the chicken by letting them sit in the wok for some time to cook (a minute or two? I don't know- just followed when Lisa said), and then stir/turn them around, upside down, then let them sit again, and then stir again. Repeat until chicken is cooked (I'm still not sure how to know, i guess when chicken looks cooked- brownish? Put in some water too. (I dunno how much and I dunno when - we actually put in too soon) 5. put in capsicum, stir fry (dun need to let them sit) 6. put in tomatoes, stir fry briefly, and Ta-Da, DONE! Yay~

I tried the dish not expecting much x.x ....and....it was good! I mean the chicken was fully cooked, had flavor, and the capsicum didn't taste bad at all! I guess the seasoning, despite being a generic and cheapest brand was very powerful and Lisa's instruction was very good ^______^ I AM HAPPY ^O^ ^O^ ^O^ ^O^

Meanwhile we reheated the refried beans, and kind Ritu helped us heat/bake the tortillas (?) [the flat thin round pieces used to hold the filling- beans/meat], set up the salsa sauce etc. and our fajita dish is complete!

Now came time for Nathan's mysterious DESSERT. It was mini toasted bread squares+mini scoop of ice cream! [I asked XK later what he was doing with Nathan in the kitchen the night before, and he said Nathan wanted to find out how toasted the bread should be. OTL||| Wah Lau eh. Nathan oh Nathan @_@ @_@ @_@ Perfectionist sangat budak ni! [he should be same age as me, although he's a sophomore =P]

Now you might be thinking that you won't like Nathan after reading all these not-so-positive-tones from me, but no- my only issue is that he's too overwhelming for small little stupiak me orz. I actually really really respect him. He's actually a very good guy, the most gentleman and hardworking of all the 3 guys on my trip. [me wonders why there hasn't been a white male on both my trips] The thing that struck me most about him is how passionate he is. He's really strong-willed, hard working, intellectual, kind (he's really good with kids ^_~) and he's really really great at the piano- i can actually feel emotion from his playing - which shows how deep his passion is. He is pretty religious (Christian). Meanwhile I also cannot comprehend him. During his life story he said he is actually a very serious guy (really really serious) but he's trying to loosen up. And indeed my first impression of him during the first few days was that he was a goofball and happy guy. And then he just got more reserved and less smiley and mysterious (e.g. sitting alone with computer late at night aft everybody had gone to bed). But as a whole i believe he is going to go out and do great things (that is his life goal - to do something great). I hope he didn't get offended by what i wrote to him [we had a session on the last day where we wrote (good things ^^;; but i think i ended up doling out advice pretending to be a grandmother swt) about each person on the trip] I think i wrote something like telling him to relax, and acknowledge his achievements.

and now. back to Jenny =)

My silly little hope: hope that she can be sort of a friend-mentor to me. i want to maintain a relationship with her. so that was the main factor i was so keen on getting into her gsw section this quarter [plus her great teaching skills]. And yes, I got in, after a little bit of struggle coz idiot me forgot to enroll in her section on the system. so i'm going to meet her every sunday, but for chemistry lar, with 7 or 8 other students. Let's see how things work out. I'm not going to lay much hope. But God knows.

God knows. =)

p/s have i delved into the shocking fact about how common pre-marital sex is in America? that'a another issue i need to explore some time.

Ciao!